Friday, August 27, 2010

10 Ways To Enrage Your Boss

1. Have a personality that completely goes against his cultural and possibly religious values. For example, if he believes that women are subservient and lacking in intelligence then by all means, disagree with him publicly. I guarantee you'll see that vein throbbing in his temple inside of 3 seconds.

2. Follow his instructions to the letter then be prepared to acknowledge that you must have misunderstood his instructions when the result is less than he expected and therefore blames you for said results. If you can master the art of a demure smile complete with the proper head dip showing your shame, then you'll be a step ahead of the game. Practice in front of a mirror or even in front of your friends. Remember, practice makes perfect!

3. Fail to read his mind. If like me, you somehow managed to sleep through mind reading class in school, learn the art of fortune telling or possibly invest in a crystal ball. Although if you go the crystal ball route, my sincere recommendation is that you go top of the line. If you waste your hard earned money on a cheap one, you may wind up seeing your crazy neighbor's future instead of your own. I understand the newest ones are easily concealed in one's desk.

4. Make the decisions you were hired to make. However, when those decisions are not in keeping with your company's practice of dealing only with salespeople and the ridiculousness that accompanies working with such people, begin questioning your years of expertise in your field and start running every decision by your bosses per their request. If you plan ahead well enough you may be able to ascertain quite early in the week what they would like you to have for lunch on Friday. But remember, their time is far more valuable than yours so be sure to put in your request no later than Monday or you may wind up foraging for leftover crackers and taco sauce stuffed away in the kitchenette drawer.

5. Be honest and show integrity. One should always point out one's own errors and the solution you came up with to correct those errors. Oh wait a second, I've mislead you here. Those errors will be meticulously catalogued by subject, date, severity, and how much you caused your boss's fanny to pucker.

6. Truthfully answer his questions when asked your opinion on a situation. Evidently when they hired you they neglected to mention their preference to having smoke blown up their nether regions rather than hearing intelligent opinions from their employees.

7. Be uncomfortable with his business practices and have a really hard time hiding it. Particularly when asked to lie and use "back door" practices in dealing with customers and vendors. Caution: this may cause permanent sneering, eye bulging, and I can say with relative certainty that increased blood pressure will likely result. Remember, you are playing with another human being's health here.

8. Have trouble working in a bull pen environment. When attempting to have professional conversation with your vendors, expect to have your every word overheard and duly noted in detail regardless of whether a one sided conversation cannot possibly be accurately understood. Shock and appall your coworkers! At this point, you have very little to lose!

9. Begin to immediately question the recent complete turnover of the entire department in which you work. Within two months of your employment, start cautiously asking questions about what became of the aforementioned employees. Show shock and dismay when you discover the entire department turned over within a couple of weeks. Want to really enrage your boss? Ask him why he can't keep anyone in that department for more than a few months at a time. Then ask if he's by any chance considered that he's the only common thread.

10. During a disciplinary meeting, respectfully disagree with something he says then ask him to refrain from reprimands and corrections in front of coworkers. I can practically guarantee that he'll not only come out of his chair and begin shouting but that he'll actually levitate and begin spewing green goo. Take pictures.

Witty quip of the day: Smile and nod. If nothing else, you'll develop terrific facial and neck muscles!


goodbug73 said...

You made me laugh and reminded me of a few difficult bosses. I recall telling one of them, "I'm not asking to be difficult...yet."

Apryl Schneider said...

Glad you enjoyed it! I'm nothing if not a helper and a giver :).

sherri said...

Um, do you know my boss??

My newly developed (for me of course) motto at work is "head down, mouth shut"

I do think you need to add a #11 to this wonderful list...
Something along the lines of what to do when your boss takes credit for your work...those hours and hours of research... and the pat on the back goes to the boss who conveniently neglects to mention that he did NONE of the work...

Ok, I feel better now ;)

Miss Rhei said...

big thanks for the tips, I gotta work on some of those and see how my boss react... then, I can really smile at work.

great post!

Melynda said...

Does everyone have to have that boss? Why can't better people than me have that boss, I am sure they are more deserving, yeah that's it. I don't deserve a boss like that, whew, being second best is sometimes first! Now that I have this all worked out, I can testify, you are a helper and a giver, thanks Apryl.