Wednesday, June 20, 2012

10 Moments With Your Teenager

In light of the fact that I'm down to my last teenager still in the house, I present today's "10" list with my nearly 15 year old male offspring in mind.  Please, please, please... DO try these things at home.

1.  In order to further my evil plot of teen domination, I hereby decree that ALL forms food and drink shall remain in either the kitchen or dining room and that you shall refrain from sneaking it to your room after you believe your parental units have gone to sleep.

2.  I promise to have the audacity to question, whenever I deem necessary, with whom you are texting at 2:00 in the morning.  Please be prepared with a verbal answer as opposed to the typical blank stare, or more recently, the not-entirely-concealed sneer.

3.  Chores.  Ah the infamous "C" word.  One would think that with the mere mention of this word that the teen's parents had just asked them to sever a limb.  See the above not-entirely-concealed sneer.

4.  Homework.  Much like the "C" word, homework has become an obscene word as well.  My teen has perfected the "look me in the eye and smile" whilst crossing fingers behind the back in hopes that I won't find out that really homework DOES exist in High School.

5.  Recently, I informed my teenage son that he would henceforth be responsible for doing his own laundry.  At first he was kind of excited as I think he envisioned having what he wanted to wear available anytime he so chose.  Then he realized that actually involved the act of washing said clothing.  I promise not to laugh.  Anymore.  Maybe.

6.  I vacillate between, "eat what I make or don't eat at all" and "make what you want because you clearly aren't going to die of malnutrition since you've survived this long on hot dogs, macaroni and cheese, and apples".  Matter of fact, I think I kind of like the knowledge that no one in my house will starve if I don't cook.  Carry on!

7.  Do you suppose that the teenagers among us sleep during the day and play at night purely to keep us from seeing what they're up to?  This is my supposition...

8.  This is not your room!  Said about 100 times a day as I walk through my home and find his various and sundry stuff spread hither and yon like so much trash upon my floors.

9.  I wasn't speaking to you.  I was speaking to your father.  Stop asking questions about a conversation you weren't involved it!  Eavesdropping, look it up!

10. No you may NOT drive my car!  We will possibly revisit this IF and when you get your permit...

Today's witty quip:  No, really, no need to thank me.  As always, I'm a helper and a giver.

Monday, June 18, 2012

Sweet Little Lies defines a lie as: a false statement made with deliberate intent to deceive; an intentional untruth; a falsehood. What lies do we tell ourselves? I'm not asking about the little white lies we tell others in order to spare their feelings, I'm asking us to look at the lies we tell ourselves. The half-truths, the purposeful misnomers, the deliberate and willful times we poke our heads in the sand and pretend we don't know the truth.

Calories consumed while on vacation don't count, right? If I futz my way through this workout, no one will know. I'm too fat, too skinny, too old, too young, too smart, not nearly smart enough, not witty, too smart-alecky, I'm boring, I'm too loud, I'm not loud enough... and on and on and on. And yet I wonder. Why do you suppose we tell ourselves these lies and probably more and refuse to look at ourselves through the eyes of God? My bible tells me that Christ took everything that we could possibly have done to the cross with Him. That His death and resurrection rendered it unnecessary for us to indulge in self-loathing. According to the book of James, faith without works, is dead yet it doesn't say that in order to show truth faith we must revile ourselves on a regular basis. I believe with every ounce of my soul that when we hate ourselves, we are blatantly telling God that He's wrong to love us. That He's made a mistake. That despite sending His Son to be tortured and murdered in our stead, it wasn't enough. That leaves a mighty acidic taste in this gal's mouth.

No, that doesn't mean that magically my dimpled backside is suddenly worthy of prominent display. What it means to me is that I get to thank God each and every day for all that He designed me to be. God doesn't make mistakes. Ever.

Witty quip of the day: I maintain that calories eaten while standing up work in reverse...

Wednesday, March 28, 2012


My cousin, affectionately known as "The Tiz", writes frequent Facebook posts entitled "Gym Etiquette with The Tiz" and occasional posts regarding other societal etiquette that seem to have been lost in translation somewhere.  Recently he wrote a post about driving etiquette and fancifully, this morning's news included a story about the University of Iowa and their studies involving driver safety.  Now one might not immediately make the connection between driver etiquette and driver safety, but in this rat race that we all endeavor to run each day, I see the parallels quite consistently.  Emily Post said, "To do exactly as your neighbors do is the only sensible rule."  I, however, must respectfully disagree with Ms. Post.  If we are to do as our neighbors do then it follows that I should, while driving; take photos with my nifty iPhone, send texts, read emails, apply mascara or maybe lipstick, utilize an electric razor, futz with my GPS, turn around in my seat to yell the age old idiom "don't make me stop this car!", eat 3 course meal, spill my recently purchased hot coffee in my lap whereupon I'll sue McDonald's for failing to divulge that said recently purchased hot coffee was in fact, HOT, have animated shouting matches with my passenger, or perhaps even assist with a live birth of puppies.  OK, that last one might have been a bit of a stretch, but who among you can honestly say that you haven't witnessed most, if not all, of the above while driving?

The Tiz wrote about the merits of treating merging onto the freeway as if one were operating a zipper.  First one car from the first lane, then one car from the second lane, then another from the first lane, followed by another from the second lane.  Not entirely a foreign concept to most and yet, much like The Tiz, I myself have witnessed drivers who simply refuse to be delegated to the rear of ANY line.  Riding bumper to bumper as if their very lives depend upon not allowing one solitary vehicle to merge in front of them.  Seriously, who are these people?  In what universe does one get to one's destination more than perhaps a millisecond faster by being a complete and total moron and refusing to allow a peaceful merge to transpire in their presence?

And so, Tiz, you can add The Sophisticated Girl amongst your followers who shake our collective heads in disgust.  I for one, choose NOT to behave as my neighbor behaves in this and frankly, most instances and instead will try to live by the age old adage to treat my neighbor as I myself would like to be treated.

Witty quip of the day:  "It takes 8,460 bolts to assemble an automobile, and one nut to scatter it all over the road."  ~Author Unknown